


Anima Somnium

by Stunfisky



Category: Natsume Yuujinchou | Natsume's Book of Friends
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2020-10-08
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:13:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26901199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stunfisky/pseuds/Stunfisky
Summary: When you turn 16 you dream of one of your soulmate's memories.Kaname turns 16 and has dreams of ayakashi.
Relationships: Natsume Takashi/Tanuma Kaname
Comments: 4
Kudos: 127





	Anima Somnium

Kaname knew from the very first dream he had when he turned sixteen. He knew the moment he saw that manekineko look back at him. Well, not him, but his soulmate. However, Kaname denied it since he knew the cat in his waking life. Sure, everyone knew that the night of your sixteenth birthday your dreams would be what your soulmate remembers. However, what he saw wasn’t all that different from when he was awake. He saw his friends, the Fujiwara couple, his school, and the familiar paths he walked every day. What was different were the expressions others wore and that there was some secret he must always hide. 

There were many parts of the dreams that were obscured to the point that it faded to an empty darkness. He had asked his father about it one dinner after a month. “It’s believed that when the dreams become blurred it's your soulmate either fiercely protecting or even denying the memories they made. Others say it’s memories about you since you never see yourself in your soulmate’s memories.” Both sounded plausible if his soulmate was who he believed it was. “Do you know who your soulmate is?” Kaname nodded hesitantly. His father only smiled before commenting on how he liked the dinner Kaname made. His father didn’t pry.

After a few months he began to see someone new in his dreams. A beautiful woman in an equally beautiful purple kimono. Her wavy dark indigo hair was usually put up with the right side of her face hidden behind her bangs. She wore heavier make up than Kaname liked, the dark lipstick and eyeshadow making her look paler than she already was. Often times, he saw her smoking with her long pipe and high in the trees. She usually had a soft expression when looking at him. There were many times he saw her flustered and concerned, checking over his undefined body.

Just into his second year in high school Kaname could feel more presences. Thankfully there were no headaches that came along with the stronger feelings. Perhaps it was just like Ponta had said before, that he was ‘absorbing’ some of Natsume’s power like a pin to a magnet. Kaname wasn’t entirely positive that was the case this time. He felt more presences, yes, but there were still plenty of times that Natsume had shoved him away from some presence he couldn’t detect. He couldn’t tell if his own power was getting stronger or weaker.

Before spring ended Kaname was walking in the forest around his house when he noticed something in the trees. It was a bright reflection of the sunlight that nearly blinded him. After moving so he could see better he saw a familiar smoking pipe. The hints in his dream aligned and now somethings made sense. This also confirmed to him who his soulmate was. He made a hopeless sigh before looking up at the floating smoking pipe. He could see the smoke rise from it as it moved away from a shadowed area. “I always wondered how you could be up so high in a tree with that kimono but now it makes sense.” He spoke out loud and he was sure that due to the quietness of the forest the other that he couldn't see clearly could hear him. He saw both the shadow and pipe still. “I can’t see you clearly, but I can see your pipe.” In response, the pipe disappeared, but he could still sense the ayakashi. “Thanks, for taking care of him. I know it’s selfish, but don’t tell him. He’ll just be more worried and I don’t think either of us would want him to do anything drastic.” If there was a verbal response he couldn’t hear it. With a smile he waved and walked away.

That meeting, as one-sided as it was, made way for more. In the coming summer he could hear the ayakashi fish splash in their pond, the pipe woman visited, and in his dreams he could begin to see more of his soulmate’s memories with the ayakashi. It was slow, but it was progress and it made Kaname the happiest he had ever felt before. Even more than the confirmation of who his soulmate was. After all, if he could see at least some part of that other world then that meant he could protect him more. 

Kaname was resting on the engawa, facing the direction of the invisible pond with his eyes closed. He found he could hear better when he closed his eyes and he wondered if he’d be able to hear the visiting ayakashi woman’s words. Instead he heard the sound of someone drawing in the dirt. He opened his eyes and watched as the butt of the pipe drew letters. “Hi-no-e. You’re Hinoe?” He couldn’t hear the reply, but he did hear Natume’s voice soon after the pipe settled back on the engawa.

“Tanuma?”

He looked back to see Natume walking around the house and into sight. He smiled and waved casually. His smile dropped when he noticed Natsume’s eyebrows were knitted together. “Something wrong?”

“I thought I heard you say something…”

Ah, he had heard him and whatever Hinoe’s reply had been. He watched as Natsume’s golden eyes see the writing in the dirt before quickly flashing over to his blurry purple of a companion. “Natsume.” He tried to say but wasn’t heard.

“Stay out of this.” Natsume warned Kaname’s companion.

“Natsume.” Kaname called out louder. “Don’t get angry at Hinoe. She’s just being nice. Besides… I know she’s saved me a few times. I… just wanted to know the name of the ayakashi that has saved me. Just like Ponta.” He expected the unreadable expression from Natsume, but it didn’t make the pain in his heart any better. Natsume looked away to Hinoe. Whatever she said seemed to have eased Natsume’s anxiety because he sighed.

“You’re lucky it’s just Hinoe. Although, I am surprised she’s hanging out with you. She hates men so much so I doubt she’d ever eat you.” Kaname saw the edges of Natsume’s eyes wrinkle just a bit in happiness. “You thought I was Reiko at first!” Natsume’s laughter made Kaname forget the small bit of loneliness that was growing when watching Natsume interact with Hinoe. This was what he really wanted. He wanted to be able to interact with Natsume and his ayakashi friends.

Kaname groaned in discomfort. It was hot and the late summer night wind wasn’t helping. On the wind he smelled something familiar. “Ponta?” He opened his eyes and looked around his room. It wasn’t too uncommon that he had found the cat staring at him before leaving. However his room was empty and he could only hear the sounds of the wind. “Maybe I imagined it.” He murmured sitting up. Kaname opened the shoji door that led to the outside and his jaw dropped when he looked outside. He could see the moon reflected in the ayakashi pond, the surface disturbance from the fish, and on the other side a large white beast. “Am I dreaming?”

The beast looked at him and in a deep voice replied, ‘if it was Ayakashi wouldn’t be present.”

The human was stunned for a while as many questions and thoughts cycled through his mind. Finally he settled on one. “But I’ve seen them in dreams.”

“You saw memories that weren’t your own. Ayakashi don’t dream so we don’t show up in people’s dreams.”

Kaname remained silent as he processed what the beast was saying. “Ponta? Why are you here?”

“I’m surprised you recognize me in this form.”

“You’re still a bit blurry, I can’t see details, but I know it’s you because of your smell.”

Ponta was quiet turning his head away to look at the moon. “I thought it was about time you’d be able to see or hear us.”

“Is it like last time? Am I gaining more ability being around Natsume?”

“No.” Ponta’s answer surprised him greatly. “If it was you’d be hunted down more. You can’t detect hostile ayakashi. You--”

“Can only sense Ayakashi that are close to Natsume.” Ponta didn’t reply. “Well, Natsume should be happy that I won’t be able to see the terrors of the world he sees. But he won’t be happy about why I’m beginning to see and hear.” Kaname sighed heavily. Minutes passed in silence before he decided to break it. “Ponta, does Natsume know?”

“I can’t say. He knows you’re noticing us more, and I’ve told him that there’s been no more power transfer, however beyond that I don’t know. It's something you humans need to figure out.” Kaname silently agreed.

Summer left to autumn which fell into winter. Kaname continued having meetings with the ayakashi Natsume was close to. He had even met the majority of the ayakashi of Dog’s Circle which he silently dubbed the Natsume fanclub due to how they talked about the other human. Misuzu’s size nearly scared him shitless the first time he saw him. The ayakashi was now kind enough to take human form if he wanted to talk to him which wasn’t too often. He learned more about the ayakashi and how they protected Natsume. He found himself trusting them so he wasn’t as worried about Natsume’s encounters. He still worried anytime he heard that Natsume had fallen asleep in class or when he saw the other with branches and dirt in his hair and clothes. 

“Tanuma-kun, Natsume-kun hasn't been eating lunch with us lately. Do you think he’s okay?”

Kaname turned to look at Taki. “Hm? I’m sure he’ll be okay. He’s taken care of himself all this time and he has some powerful friends.” He saw the young woman frown before glaring at him.

“Are you still friends with Natsume-kun? You’re usually the first to get worried and now you’re being more dismissive. I don’t see you two hang out as often either.”

He was stunned by her small outburst for a moment before relaxing. “Of course we’re still friends. Natsume is just busy dealing with stuff.” Code for ayakashi things. “I trust that his other friends will look after him.”

Taki was silent, still glaring, before sighing. “You’ve meet his other friends then?”

“Yeah.” He admitted hesitantly.

“How?” Kaname looked away. “Does Natsume-kun know?”

“I haven’t told him. I had no control of it and still don’t know exactly why. I don’t want him getting angry or blaming himself again. I know there’s a good chance he knows if not by figuring it out then… by my recent memories.”

“Memories?” She paused, “wait, you mean?”

“Yeah.”

“Soulmate?”

“Yeah.”

“Positive?”

Kaname laughed at Taki’s shock. “Yeah, from the first dream when I saw Ponta.” He paused to take a deep breath of the winter air. The chill freezing his nerves. “I started to see them through his memories at first, but just before summer I started to see the items they carried. One in particular would visit me rather often. She said she wanted to see how much soulmates could change each other’s worlds. Ah, but I didn’t know that until a few weeks ago. Anyway, in August I started to see their appearances although it was still blurry like looking through glasses and hear them.”

“Ah, I’m jealous.” Taki said after a moment.

Kaname shook his head. “I can only see certain ones; the ones that he trusts, so it’s not like I have the same sight.”

“Still, it’s something.” She sighed but her expression was full of cheer. “Tanuma-kun, I think you should at least tell Natsume-kun that you can’t see every one of them. It’ll ease his worry. You don’t have to tell him why, I don’t think.”

“You think, huh? Maybe you’re right.” Kaname paused, “honestly I don’t think Natsume is up to any of that business. I think he’s just been avoiding me.”

“He’s been avoiding me too.”

“Probably because he’s worried that if his affect is getting worse on me then it’s getting worse on you too.” Taki hummed in agreement. “Okay, I’ll try to talk to him about it. At least, to let him know his friends miss him.”

It was a week before Kaname was nearly at wit’s end trying to get Natsume to stick around and talk to him without the company of their other friends. Eventually, he decided enough was enough and knocked on the door. It was no surprise when Touko-san answered the door. “Hello, Fujiwara-san.”

“Ara, Kaname-kun it’s been a while since I saw you last. Please, come in.” He stepped into the genkan and took off his shoes. “Takashi-kun is picking up some groceries for me right now, but he should be home soon.”

“I don’t mind waiting, besides like you said, it has been a while since I visited. I thought I should say hello a few more times before the new year.” Kaname admitted following the woman into the kitchen where he could already smell that some parts of dinner were cooking.

“Oh how pleasant.” She smiled bashfully. “You’ll stay for dinner won’t you? Your father is on his business trip again right? It’s that time of year. It must be so lonely spending New Years in that shrine all alone.”

“He is and it’s not too lonesome. Friends visit.” A partial lie, it was very lonesome. Touko-san smiled softly at him, probably seeing through his modesty. “I’d be delighted to stay for dinner if you’ll allow me.” 

“I wouldn’t want it any other way, Kaname-kun. You’re always welcome here.” Kaname felt that there was more meaning behind her words, but he didn’t want to read into it too much so he just thanked her then watched her work.

Minutes later he heard the door open and a familiar voice call out, “Touko-san, I’m back.” It had faded in volume, Natsume had undoubtedly noticed his shoes. Kaname didn’t register that the woman had called back and confirmed his visit as a cold chill of fear and nervousness settled in his spine. He watched Natsume enter the kitchen and go to Touko-san’s side to present the groceries. Soon Natsume turned to him, “Tanuma? Wanna head upstairs now?” He nodded and led the way to Natsume’s room. 

Kaname felt a bit more at ease in Natsume’s room. Natsume hadn’t told him to leave after seeing him so it was okay that he was here. “It’s been a while, Taki and I have been worried about you since you disappear during lunch.” He paused, “anything we can help with?”

Natsume gave him that fake smile. “No, there’s no issues like that.” Kaname didn’t relax though, not when Natsume was giving him that smile that made Kaname want to do anything to get rid of. After moments of silent Natsume sighed and looked at the floor. “Do I really have to ask you?” Natsume sounded defeated and hurt.

He wanted to jump up and do something, but remained sitting on the tatami. There were many things Natsume could want to ask him so he couldn’t just say something. “I have several guesses as to what you want to ask me, but…”

“How long have you been able to see them now?”

Kaname gulped, “Since August.”

“Hinoe wouldn’t have been hanging out with you in June then.”

“I couldn’t see her then. Only her pipe, which I started seeing in April.” He met Natsume’s eyes when the blond looked at him to see if he was lying. There was a silent question in the air. “I don’t know exactly why it started, Ponta and I have some suspicions--”

“So you all have been keeping this secret from me.”

Kaname bit his tongue to prevent himself from bringing up the multiple secrets Natsume had. “I asked them too. I wanted to see how much I could see.” Natsume looked at him expectantly. “I’ve met with the majority of the Dog’s Circle… at least the ones that hang around this town. That’s pretty much it. I haven’t seen anyone new since late September.” The window suddenly opening made Kaname jump, but hadn’t phased Natsume at all. In came Ponta who took only a moment to observe the situation before deciding to come in. Kaname moved to close the window when he heard Natsume murmur.

“Why is it only them?” Natsume looked at him. “Why did you hide it?”

“I…” He looked at the tatami again to gather his thoughts before looking at his friend again. “I didn’t want you to worry or blame yourself again.”

“But it is my fault.”

Kaname could argue it this time. “Natsume, meeting you, absorbing whatever bit of your power has helped me. I don’t get migraines or sick due to ayakashi anymore. I’m grateful for that. I’m grateful for you. Fault or not, I’m glad I don’t have to suffer through that again.”

“But now you-”

“Now it’s my own curiosity that gets me into trouble. Not you.” He spoke sternly; needing his friend to understand this. "I could have been grateful and just left it at that. Instead, I’m curious. I wanted to know about the creatures that made me suffer; whether they did it knowingly or not. I wanted to know if there were good ayakashi or not. Now, I know these things so I’m happy. However, I don’t want it to stop. I like being able to talk to them now. Now, I can see and hear what they do to make you happy, smiling and laughing without hiding yourself. I want to be able to laugh with them and you like I did when it was just with Ponta. I want to continue being friends with your friends, Natsume.”

He could tell that his friend was unsure how to process what he had said. The mess of emotions breaking through the calm mask that Natsume often wore. Before Natsume could get his thoughts straightened out, Touko-san's voice called up for them to come down for dinner. Kaname hesitated before seeing Natsume’s mask fully form. 

Dinner went by like it had the last time if not only slightly more muted so that Touko-san wouldn’t ask questions. After dinner Kaname helped with the dishes while Natsume set up an extra futon in his room. As the evening continued Kaname noticed Natsume’s mask slipping enough to show that he was thinking hard. “I know they’re only distantly related, but Shigure’s the same way.” Touko-san commented after Natsume disappeared into the bathroom. “They’ll both think so hard on something for days or even weeks then decide it isn't that important after all or they’ll finally find their voice. You’ll help Takashi-kun when he asks for it, won’t you Kaname-kun?” He could only nod, again feeling that there was deeper meaning in the woman’s words.

Kaname returned to Natsume’s room to wait until it was his turn for a bath. Ponta stared at him for a moment before speaking. “You’re both idiots.” Kaname agreed. “What will you do if he fully pushes you away?” He didn’t think that would happen; not after all this. “What if he denies you?”

“Then he denies me.” Kaname answered simply. “As long as I can be his friend; that’s all that matters to me.”

“Idiots.”

Again Kaname agreed. “Hey, Ponta, do ayakashi not have soulmates?”

“We don’t.”

“Then humans must look even more idiotic.”

“Most idiotic things I’ve ever seen. Humans have something that is meant for them yet they make up excuses to not have it. They tell themselves that they don’t deserve the one thing that they are given. Truly idiotic.” 

After a little Natsume returned and Kaname went down for his bath. The rest of the evening was spent in thought before they finally decided to turn in early. The darkness and hearing Natsume’s even breaths felt soothing for him. He was mostly asleep when he heard a question, “How did you recognize her pipe?”

“You already know.” Kaname wasn't sure if he answered with his voice or just in his mind. He only knew that deep sleep claimed him soon after. It had been a long time since he had dreamt of nothing. When he woke he discovered that Natsume was already awake, sitting up, and petting Ponta. “Morning.” He greeted before yawning.

“Morning. Um, Tanume?” Kaname looked over at his friend who avoided his eyes. “What do you think about the whole soulmate thing?”

Kaname paused to think. What exactly was Natsume asking about? Was this a specific or in general type of question? He decided to play it safe since Natsume seemed anxious. “Things have certainly changed since after my sixteenth birthday and what I said to the guys back then wasn’t the truth.” Natsume seemed startled at that. Kaname expected that. The day after his sixteenth birthday their group of friends had interrogated him about his dream. He had said that it was too blurry and couldn’t make it out. It was a general reply he had heard others say before. “In that first dream I saw something that made me have a very good guess at who it was. However, I didn’t exactly believe it since it was something I saw normally as well. I began to see more hints in the dreams as time went on. I know who they are.”

“But you haven’t told them?”

He shook his head, “I haven’t. I’m not in some blind rush like Kitamura is. Just because I know who they are doesn’t mean I want to force any sort of relationship on them. I want to be their friend first and foremost. I don’t really care if I get together with them. Soulmates aren’t a guaranteed thing after all.” Kaname stood up to stretch before looking over at Natsume again. 

Natsume was giving a soft, but real smile as he looked at Ponta. “That sounds just like you.” 

“What about you?”

The blond hummed. “I know who mine is too, although I didn’t accept it until recently. I’ve… always believed that…” Natsume paused to bite his lower lip. The smile was gone and brows were knitted together. Kaname didn’t try to stop him. He learned that this was Natsume trying to open up although it still reminded him of that day when Natsume told him a little bit about Reiko. “I thought that no one would ever want to keep someone… like me… around, however that’s changed. Everyone in this town has been so accepting of me.” Natsume took a few moments to calm down. “I don’t want to tell them yet though. I want to get better at accepting myself… and others.”

Kaname smiled, “Well, I’m sure your soulmate is happy to wait until you tell them. Anyway, we should head downstairs. Fujiwara-san seems to be cooking breakfast if that smell is anything to go by.” They both laughed and headed downstairs. It was strange talking to Natsume about soulmates, but it was comforting as well. It was almost as if Natsume was telling him who it was, confirming it was Kaname, but he wouldn’t get his hopes up. It was like he had said, he wanted to be friends first and foremost. If Natume really was his soulmate back then he’d wait for the blond to tell him.

Once again, New Years passed and later the vestiges of winter. On a mid-spring Saturday evening Kaname arrived home to the sound of off key singing. “Mid-levels? What are you doing here?” They greeted him with energy before circling around him. They cheered about some special occasion that called for drinks. He tried to protest, but at their incessant pushing he conceded. They led him to their usual spot where he saw a few more members of the Dog’s Circle. “Benio, it’s been a while.” He greeted with a wave.

She seemed to ignore him in favor of glaring at the mid-levels. “You’re supposed to bring the star of the party last, you idiots.” While the mid-levels cowered and gave their excuses he looked at the brunette ayakashi in confusion. “Sit down, boy. This is to be your formal introduction party into the Dog’s Circle. Since the idiots brought you before everyone gathered you’ll have to wait until we can really start it.”

Kaname was surprised to hear that and sat down. He wasn’t sure how he felt about being included in an ayakashi party especially without Natsume. Right, how would Natsume take this? “Is there going to be anyone new I’ll be meeting?” What if he couldn’t see them because Natsume wasn’t close to them.

“No.” Benio spoke curtly. “Honestly we’re just waiting for Misuzu-sama and Hinoe to bring Natsume and that ugly pig.”

“Natsume?” He questioned, but she didn’t seem inclined to expand on her explanation. Kaname chatted with the present members of the ayakashi group. As the sun began to touch one of the neighboring mountains he heard his name. He looked over to see Natsume and the last of the three ayakashi he was familiar with. While the ayakashi rushed over for their various reasons -Ponta for the sake and Hinoe to yell at the Mid-levels for the same reason Benio did- Kaname waved at the fellow human. He waited until the other sat beside him to speak. “Apparently it’s my formal introduction into the group.” He gave an airy laugh.

“More likely just another excuse to drink.” Natsume chuckled, mirth in his eyes. Kaname could relax; Natsume wasn’t upset that he was here making friends with these ayakashi. 

Casual conversation and joking overcame the group for a while until the sunset reached a golden-orange. Ponta jumped up and cheered that it was time for drinking. The other ayakashi cheered and some reached over him to get at the sake that was being poured. During the jostling Kaname felt something placed in his hand and the next thing he knew Hinoe was pouring sake into the small dish in his hand. He heard Natsume protest and scold the ayakashi which made him laugh. He looked at the liquid in his cup then raised it to his lips. 

Now Natsume was scolding him. “Don’t let them walk all over you!”

Kaname just laughed some more. “One cup isn’t going to harm anything, Natsume. Besides, I’ve shared some from my father before during certain parties.” Natsume’s pout was impossibly cute so he finished off his drink. It wasn’t a lot of sake really so he didn’t know what Natsume was concerned about. His eyes darted to Hinoe as he heard her chuckle. She raised the sake bottle in a silent offer. Taking a chance Kaname went to raise his cup, but the bottle was quickly snatched away by Natsume.

“No way, Hinoe. You’ll keep offering until he’s drunk. I control the bottle tonight.” Kaname’s eyes went wide, not expecting Natsume to even allow him to have another cup. Natsume’s sunset colored eyes narrowed on him. “You only get one more cup, got it?” He hissed. Kaname could only nod before watching Natsume gracefully pour the alcohol into his shallow cup. He noticed how Natsume didn’t look at him after pulling away. Ah, Natsume had spoke and acted without thought and now he was embarrassed. The moment was short-lived as the ayakashi began to demand to be served. Natsume’s scolding was downed out by their demands. He smiled, bringing the cup to his lips again. 

Eventually the sun set and Kaname had long abandoned the sake cup he was given. He leaned back to stare at the stars in the sky, but his mind was on the conversation the group was having. He wasn’t surprised that the subject was about Reiko and that Natsume was closely listening. Hinoe was expressing her jealousy at the human that Reiko had grown fond of. Kaname had to wonder what her soulmate was like. “Did her soulmate see ayakashi too?” He hadn’t realized he had spoken out loud until the silence fell and the attention was on him. He immediately noticed that Natsume was giving him an unreadable expression. Anxiety bloomed in his stomach, but before he could apologize Hinoe had spoken up.

“What are soulmates? How do you humans know you’ve found them?”

Kaname looked to Natsume for help or an escape only to see his shoulders shaking in silent laughter. He could feel his cheeks burn in embarrassment at realizing that he was going to have to explain. After a breath, “soulmates are- well, humans are two halves of a circle, for example. A soulmate is someone who completed them. Someone they’re supposed to be destined to be with. When a human turns sixteen they start having dreams of their soulmate’s memories. It’s supposed to give them hints as to who the other is and where they are.” Kaname decidedly left out some of the more confusing information. “That’s why I was wondering if Reiko’s soulmate could see her memories with the ayakashi.”

Misuzu shrugged, naturally ayakashi wouldn’t have that information about a woman that was long gone. Hinoe gave a dramatic sigh, “I guess that explains why Reiko was never interested. I never had a chance. What’s it like when you find one, a soulmate?”

“I don’t really know. My mother passed when I was little and my father doesn’t like to go into it. He always gives a painful expression.”

“Have you not found yours yet?”

He frowned a little and suddenly found interest in the grass in front of him. “I know who they are, but it didn’t feel any different. It just felt like… it made sense.”

“Oooo, who are they?”

Kaname shook his head. He couldn’t say who it was when that person was sitting beside him. “I may know, but I don’t want to tell them. Just because they're my soulmate doesn’t mean I’m theirs. Sometimes that happens. I’d rather just remain as friends rather than shove any complicated feelings on them.”

Hinoe sighed yet again, “our newest member, truly is an idiot.” Kaname didn’t retort, but he gave an empty laugh. “What about you, Natsume? You’ve never told us about this whole soulmate business.”

“I guess I’m a bit of an idiot too.” He replied simply. “However, when I realized who it was I… got really angry. I realized that they were hiding things from me and I couldn’t understand why. It hurt that they couldn’t trust me enough to tell me about their important memories. Soon, I realized I was being hypocritical. I had hidden so many things before that I had no right to really judge them. I realized that I had hurt them with all my secrets. I know that I’ll always keep secrets of some form so I told myself I wouldn’t tell them I knew because I didn’t want to hurt them anymore. Although, by not saying anything has hurt them too. I realized that I was really a child, thinking I could try to get by without hurting anyone. I eventually opened up to Touko-san about it and she gave me some good advice. I’ve been following her advice, but it’s still difficult to find the courage or time to say it. Everytime I think about telling them I just end up thinking that isn’t this good enough?”

In unison all the ayakashi called Natsume an idiot which then had everyone including Natsume and Kaname laughing. When the laughter died the two humans returned to their thoughts while the ayakashi resumed the common topic of idiotic humans. Eventually the nightly chill settled in so Kaname raised from his seat. “It’s getting a bit too cold for us humans to remain out. You gonna head home, Natsume?”

The blond snapped out of his thoughts, taking a moment to realize what was going on. “I’ll stay at your place, if that’s okay.” He asked standing up.

Kaname smiled, “Of course.” Natsume joined his side and the humans bid their ayakashi friends farewell for the night. The walk to his house was silent, but it wasn’t out of the ordinary. Silence made up as much of their friendship as talking did. “I’ll make us some warm tea and food if you want to go ahead and lay the futons out.” Kaname offered when his house came into sight. He heard Natsume nod and after they entered the home they split off to their separate tasks. Kaname just had to reheat some soup he had made earlier this week and make the tea before he joined Natsume in his room, or rather on the engawa next to his room. Kaname found Natsume staring at the ayakashi pond as usual. It settled him with a sense of calm and contentedness. 

As they ate in silence Kaname’s thoughts recalled what Natsume has said earlier. He agreed that as they were life was good. Although he wondered if he wanted more. He already knew the answer to that. He did want more eventually. He wanted to be able to hold Natsume’s hand whenever he wanted. He wanted to kiss away whatever worry or injure the blond had. He wanted to be allowed to call out Natsume’s given name.

“Tanuma?” Kaname’s eyes drifted from the pond to the other. “Don’t look, please.” He returned his eyes to the pond and waited for Natsume to gain his courage. “I… My dreams… I’ve told everyone that I didn’t recognize a lot of what I saw in them. That’s mostly true, what I haven’t told others is the overwhelming fear that was being experienced. If it wasn’t fear then it was pain. It was miserable.”

Kaname tightened his hands into fists recalling the bad dreams he had that were Natsume’s memories. It made him sick at times.

“Tanuma, I’m sorry I was always so upset when you started seeing them. I never knew how horrible it felt to know that something was there causing pain, but being unable to do anything about it. You couldn’t even see what was causing you to be sick and in pain. I understand now, so I’m sorry that I was so selfish. I’m glad that you’re able to see the ayakashi that I trust. It’s… a middle ground that I’m now happy to accept.”

He was happy, happy that Natsume was finally able to accept the change that had happened and had likely come to cherish it as well. He wanted to finally admit it. “I don’t want to lose you as a friend.”

“You won’t. Tanuma, you’ve seen my memories, right?”

“Yeah. I knew it was you as soon as I saw Ponta on that first night.” Natsume chuckled and he was suddenly aware that the blond had scooted closer to him. “I’m sorry you had to suffer more on my behalf.”

“That’s my line. I don’t know which memories you saw but there weren’t many good ones before coming here.”

Kaname hummed, “only because as a child you didn’t have any support. You look back on them fondly now, right?”

“Only some of them.” Natsume’s head was on his shoulder now. 

He leaned his own head against Natsume’s. “I’ll give you all the support I can as a friend and as my soulmate.”

“As my soulmate.” Natsume echoed back. “And I’ll make sure to protect you from any ayakashi you can’t see, as my soulmate.” 

Kaname smiled before gently grasping Natsume’s hand and lacing their fingers.


End file.
